Scenes From a Diner: God Hates Waitresses

Gerty could smell trouble when it walked through the squeaky revolving door of the diner, and trouble had most definitely just walked in. There were two of them, and they had no problem with you knowing that about them. These two kids could not have been more than thirteen and they were pretending to be Caucasian, but Gerty knew they weren’t. She knew. She approached them with a shotgun hidden under her apron and asked what they would like. They said they wanted eggs, which was simple enough, but as Gerty turned around and walked away they yelled out, “Over easy!!” Gerty cocked the shotgun under her apron, but showed restraint and uncocked it soon after. Gerty cooked the over easy eggs, but there was nothing easy about them. That is a pun. She took them to the kids and said, “Enjoy.” “What did you just say to me?” one of the kids asked. Gerty repeated that she had said to enjoy. The kid stood up and yelled right in Gerty’s face, “It sounded like you said “Ahoy,” It sounded like you were mocking me because my cousin was killed by a pirate!” Gerty had stopped listening the moment he began speaking, and all she could think about was why the hell she put the shotgun away. But before Gerty could answer her own thoughts, she felt the cool, erotic sting of over easy eggs on her face. “My mom could crap out better eggs! Believe me, I know,” is what the kid said as he threw them at Gerty. The two walked out of there like they owned the place, and truthfully they practically did because their parents owned 50% of the diner and they came in every Friday and ordered over easy eggs and threw them on Gerty. Gerty walked to the back to the kitchen, cried for 17 seconds and returned to the pie rack to finish her crossword. Whats a nine letter word for “to lose a poodle”?

When Gerty walked inside the door to her home that night, her kids ran up to her in excitement and kissed and hugged her. As Gerty walked upstairs to bathe, one of her children yelled out, “Mom, could we have eggs for dinner?” Life is a bitch. Life is a cold, lonely, ugly, heartless, smelly, fat, and sexy bitch. “Sure honey, eggs would be great!”

-Kevin Ortiz

Have thoughts about this article? Click here to tell us on Twitter!