Boy Bands Must be Stopped… Yet Can’t be Stopped

Recently on Jay Mohr Sports, the subject of boy bands came up in response to a SyFy movie starring a number of ex and current boy band members. The name of the movie is “Dead 7”. Incidentally, there were other possible movie titles like:

  1. “Turn The Channel and Watch Meet The Browns Instead 7”.
  2. “Dancing with The Stars’ is Booked Till 2018, so these Folks Need Some Exposure Before They Disappear into Oblivion 7”.

The existence of boy bands has been a phenomenon in various societies since the dawn of time. Cuneiform writings have recently discovered that speak of cutie pie teen slaves engaged in choreographed performances at harvest festivals. For verification of this, you can visit the Ancient History of Mesopotamia Wing at the Louvre.. If you don’t find it there, write the museum curator because it would be awesomely hilarious if it werethere.

From a detailed study of boy bands in modern times, from the Barbershop Quartets in the 1930s to the Beatles, Monkees, and The Jackson 5, from the Osmonds to the Back Street Boys and NSYNC, all the way to One Direction, there are  common characteristics and patterns about them that materialize. One can say that in general, boy bands are composed of necessary archetypes to achieve maximum success. Some of these are explained below and are present in various degrees. This article addresses boy bands in particular. Girl bands, a remarkable development in modern times with an equally fascinating history, should be explored perhaps by someone on “The Ladies’ Line”. So, in regards to boy bands let’s consider…


  1. THE REBEL—This is the young man who every parent fears their daughter will begin dating one day. He’ll introduce himself to the parents by fist bumping the father WHILE kissing the hand of the mother for approximately 4 seconds too long. He’ll pick up your daughter in a van, and then tell you, “Hey, I’ll bring her home when I feel like it, if you don’t mind…oh and trust me. She’ll be in real good hands.” after which he will pause and grin at the daughter… “..real good hands.”
  1. THE ADORABLE ONE—This is the baby faced crooner of the bunch. He appears to be extremely innocent and unsoiled by this bad bad world…When your teenage daughter looks at him and peers into his wide eyes, she wants to take him home and wrap him up in a blanket so that he could sit next to her while watching episodes of “That’s So Raven’ or whatever Disney product teenage girls are into these days. The adorable one has the look on his face that says, “Please rescue me from adults who simply don’t understand me.”. His parents claim to be taking care of his trust fund that actually has their names on it in fine print. He will have a litigious relationship with his parents, a relationship that he will explain to Diane Sawyer in an exclusive interview……that I’m not going to watch.
  1. THE VOICE—This is the only legitimate singer of the group. He’s the one who ,during the recording session mixing process, gets his voice turned up ever so slightly in order to correct the errant intonation of the others…He’s not necessarily “great looking”, but he acts as the glue that binds the other less talented ones together musically. Girls love him because he reminds them of their fathers. Mothers hate him because he reminds them of their husbands.
  1. THE CRAZY ONE—He’s reckless, wild, weird… He takes risks. He bungee jumps off of bridges without questioning the length of the rope verses height of the bridge. He’s a test pilot, an xtreme athlete… If the Multiverse Theory is correct, he’d be a serial killer in 4 out of 5 of those universes. He’s the kind of guy whose phone number Dr. Drew has, and is waiting till the10 year mark when everything in his life comes to the fore and hits bottom.
  1. THE MANAGER’S COUSIN—He’s in the group because of pure nepotism. His parents can’t stand the sight of him sitting around their mansion all day long playing “Age of Empires”, and as a result of extraordinary connections, is able to land the gig. However, the official statement for his existence in the group, with variations on the theme, will be— ‘ He’s a talented young man who will do great things in the music industry.”
  1. TITO– This band member looks like he desperately wants to be fat, yet can’t for fear that his stanky leg dance would lack the athleticism and crispness of the other dancers. One day, when the fame ends, the lights dim, and screams of adoring teens subside, and when he reenters the world of mediocrity, he will eat with reckless abandon. Parents love this guy because he poses zero threat to their daughters.
  1. THE ABS—This young man has a marginal singing ability, but that’s ok, why? He has incredible abs, which he constantly showcases during performances and interviews. His entire life is reduced to doing stomach crunches, not eating enough, and pulling up the front of his t-shirt at a moments’ notice. He can only count to 10 because he read somewhere in Wikipedia that a human can chisel out a maximum of 10 cuts in the lower torso region. In his mind, numbers from 11 and up only exist in his dreams and He-Man cartoons. Why even go there? He’s hated by fathers, because their 6 packs are hidden underneath layers of Krispy Kreme donuts. Mothers hate him because he’s a constant reminder to them that they’re living with a fat slob.

My personal experience with the complications boy bands bring to mankind–

As anthropologists dissect human behavior throughout generations, and as they draw conclusions from the habits and customs in various societies, incarnations of boy bands will no doubt appear, disappear, and continually reappear till the end of time. My personal conclusion on the matter is that the universe is a perpetual teenager and boy bands are it’s acne that flares up inevitably and without warning. My prediction is that in the year 2346, there will arise a boy band named  “Holideck Homies” ….NERRRRRD!!

-Etchant Man

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