Kevin and the Cock

Kevin recounts how he and another Mohrrior met.

Many of you have been curious for some time, a lot of you have been asking, some of you have been begging, and I have received at least two death threats (you know who you are). So, you win! Here it is! Uncut, unabashed, undone. The story of how me and my oldest and dearest friend, VA Gamecock, met.

It was a different time back then. Which makes sense because “back then” would be a different time then “now.” I digress. Things were the same back then. People loved, people laughed, people mocked me when I said that reality shows would be God one day. It was at the height of the Vietnam War, circa 1985. I was in a special battalion that we referred to as The Special Battalion. There were murmurs around camp for the last few days of something big, something that was going to change the course of this whole god forsaken war. It was pizza night at the cafeteria. You lived for pizza night. If anyone interrupted you during pizza night, god help them because I sure as hell wouldn’t. No one interrupted a man during pizza night, no one except your commanding officer. So when my commanding officer walked up to me I stuck the slice of pizza in my pants, and said “How high?” Commanding Officer Swoonder led me to a super-secret neato tunnel, and we were transported 50 flights underground. As the elevator traveled I find irony in the fact that Michael McDonald was playing in the elevator speakers, because I had often wished that someone would transport him 50 flights underground. The elevator stopped and we stepped out. Swoonder asked me what I knew about explosives and I said, “Not a damn thing.” “Perfect,” he responded. Then, the following conversation ensued, and I assure you this is verbatim.

Swoonder: I have a Cock for you.

Me:…..okay

Swoonder: Well, would you like to see him?

Me:….okay

Swoonder pointed to the most debonair, most dashing, most delicious man I have ever seen in my life, and he said, “Meet VA Gamecock!” VA stood about 10 ft tall, weighing 280 of all muscle. How did I know it was all muscle, you ask? Well, the bite test of course. Anyways, come to find out, me and the Cock were hand-picked to infiltrated the Japanese Villa and find out what the Italians were up to. This was right up our alley. Swoonder said we deployed at o 7 hundred (Whatever the fuck that means, am I right? Why the fuck couldn’t he just say 7 fucking am, 7 fucking am!!!), and he said that I should spend all night getting intimate with the Cock. Oh if I had a nickel for every time Swoonder told me that. That night, me and Cock played the most interesting game of Old Maid you could ever imagine. I mean at one point VA had a knife to my throat and was accusing me of being a Narnian spy. Needless to say we found a connection in the absurdity that night, we knew that we were meant to bond in a way I wish all men can bond with the Cock one day. Well, O 7 hundred came (7 fucking am!!!) and we were ready. We were given parachutes and then bussed to our destination. Swoonder said good luck and we were on our way. It was an 8 hr trek to the Villa and me and VA sang every single Bette Midler song we knew…twice!! When we arrived at the Villa it was dawn, or dusk, or whatever the hell it is when it is dark outside. It was dark ok, dark. Thank god me and VA can see in the dark because we both have super powers (story for another day). We slid passed the guards and slipped inside the Villa. What we saw will blow you mind! You ready? Make sure you’re ready cause this shit is insane. I mean you are gonna be all like, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”

Well here it is: Nazi alligator soldiers with laser eyes! You’re probably all going nuts right now, and wondering how we reacted, right? Well, it was not a big deal to us because we both just killed a bunch of them two days prior. We were surprised by how many there were though, and I looked at the Cock, long and hard, and we both knew what needed to happen. We needed to blow this place sky high, but it was too late to escape. We were going to have to go with it. I kissed the Cock on his head, and said, “You mean more to mean than my 5 children at home.” VA just gave me that look, you know that look, that look that says, “I hate those annoying mattress commercials that are all like You’re killing me Larrrrrrry!” I know VA, I know. We held each other tight, and VA pushed the detonator.

We died that night. We died and we lived to tell about it. But that is what me and VA do, isn’t it? We do the impossible, the unthinkable, the (insert another big word here). And that is why you love us!! Next time I’ll tell you about how me, VA, and Dean Montgomery saved a bunch of nuns from losing their church and then we had sex with all of them. Well, come to think of it, that is kind of the story already to that one, I mean we saved them, we had sex with them, I suppose that sums it up nicely. Oh well, next time I will just tell you about the time VA and I met for the first time, the second time.

-Kevin Ortiz

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