This is a guest piece submitted by an anonymous Mohrrior. You know the rules. Be kind. Don’t speculate. This is legit. -Lackie
I don’t wanna talk about it because I don’t identify as “victim”. I hadn’t thought about it in a real long time, but yesterday, Baylor, and then people telling me on Twitter that it happened to them, their daughters, and then I couldn’t sleep last night cuz all I could think about was that one time I was in a situation…It was over 10 years ago but I remember so many details…details that I won’t get into, details that I’ve gone over a million times and over analyzed until I 100% convinced myself that it was my fault. Bottom line: went on a first date with a guy, he wanted to have sex. I said no. I said no. But it happened anyway.
I was 19, in college, and he was the second guy I had ever had sex with. I was totally young, naive, inexperienced and I still feel so so so stupid when I say I didn’t know what to do when it was happening. I was 5foot nothing and 105 pounds, what was I gonna do fight? The whole scene was non-violent but I still didn’t want to. I’ll never forget how he told me “you know this is what you came here for” .
Go ahead, Ask me what I was wearing. Ask me why I didn’t fight harder, ask me why I was in his apartment in the first place, ask me if I was drinking. Tell me this is just my side of the story. Tell me I’m easy, tell me I was asking for it. Tell me I shouldn’t have been so stupid. TRUST ME you can’t tell me anything I haven’t already told myself. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, which is why I’m not willing to tell you my name, I don’t know if those feelings ever go away.
I’m not trying to be preachy, I’m not trying to be anything or whatever, I’m just saying that shit can get real, real fast, and you don’t always know what to do in the moment. I have more questions than answers, it will probably always be that way. I know it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. So why does it feel like it IS?
I think we have to question how our society treats those people, women and men, who come forward. Why do we blame them, guilt them, shame them? Are we so jaded, so insensitive that all women are liars? All men who claim this are all out of their minds? All statistics are gross exaggerations? And so what, maybe you do think 25% is a gross exaggeration, but maybe keep that to yourself…maybe the person your telling is part of that variable percentage, and now you’re just another person telling me you don’t believe me.
Thank you JJ for covering the Baylor story. Thank you for dedicating so much air time to this story. What gets me though, is that Briles has a daughter man…and still…damn. I know you have a sports show to maintain, and this certainly can’t be the topic everyday, and I wouldn’t want it to be, but thank you so, so much, for talking about it that day. I can’t believe how many people didn’t believe your statistic, as though you were just going to say whatever number that popped into your head on national radio. Smh.
Thank you again for breaking down walls and for suggesting that we can work together to create an emotionally safe space to speak freely. I hope your listeners, I hope readers of this story, will work hard to look at the issue, and foster an environment where it’s okay to speak up.
P.S. So we don’t end in a sad note, please don’t feel sorry for me. People close to me know this about me and I don’t carry it alone. It’s an unfortunate event but it doesn’t define me, doesn’t consume me. I’m married to a wonderful, loving husband. We watch a lot of sports together 🙂 My parents are alive to watch their grandchildren play. My sister is my best friend and I like to read the stories from different Mohrriors on the jaymohr.fans site. I’m am very lucky and very happy.
Thank you for listening.
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